i dont understand

you know, i think im becoming increasingly judgemental. people that i used to speak to, i dont even bother anymore. the things that used to wow me, became something i always knew. everything that comes out from that person’s mouth, now becomes bullshit. their opinions no longer matter because i hold no regard to them at all. i start thinking half the world is stupid. i start filtering out friends that are not worthwhile. i stop wasting time on such people and sometimes i feel the only time im speaking to them is when i have some kind of agenda. even as they speak, my mind wonders off and start belittling them in every other way, silently hoping they’d stop their speech soon. it irritates me to speak to people from different industry who do not know anything about mine. how can people think you’re a bank teller if you work in a bank? it’s not important to know much (a one liner summary will do) but it’s important not to sound stupid. at least i bother knowing what a civil engineer is, what an art director does etc so i dont sound like an idiot when i speak to them. cant everyone else does the same?

this whole judgemental thing has gotten so bad that i’m feeling this way even towards my relatives. i’m hating that i stay in the heartland full of stupid assholes. hating all that anti-government coffeeshop talk with no proper grounds. hating the bad service everywhere. hating how people are so inconsiderate. everyday when i speak to marcus, im complaining how much i hate something. i think i’m just dissatisfied with the world, but more so in singapore.

i even speak of leaving the country infront of all my loved ones. then my relatives started asking, what about your dad? i just said there’s skype. i think im hurting people around me. what do i do? i dont know..

i stop being happy. i kinda forgot what it is. the happiest thing that has happened to me in months was yesterday night when someone told me we could do an MBA together in US and just fuck off from this country.

sighs. something is definitely wrong with me. i feel myself changing into someone i dont recognise yet i cant stop feeling this way about everything. the only good thing is i know and i’m trying to stop but the bad thing is it’s getting worse. so what do i do now? i dont understand. i’ve always thought i’m a pretty nice person. now im just full of angst. perhaps it’s the lack of sex. perhaps, like what marcus said, im just out in the workforce so im hungry to succeed thus i start filtering everyone whom i think is not good enough so i dont waste any time on them.

whatever it is, i think i need to do something about me…