Negative Emotions

I’m very upset and I need a friend.

Social Psychology taught me that everytime you feel upset you should write down all the negative emotions as and when and after something like 20 days, you’ll feel much better. But the thing is, I don’t even know how to pen down these negative feelings.

Anyway besides that, my grandpa is in hospital due to a heart attack. I feel like I’ve been going to the hospital alot this year. I never knew why people hated the hospital but after spending 123123 days in the hospital, I finally got it. It just upsets you to see patients in ICU, knowing that some of them might not survive. All the machines attached to the patients and every single beep the machines make make your heart skip a beat. You are afraid… Afraid that you might witness someone die.

I still regret not crying when my grandma passed away. I was two. I shouldn’t blame myself for it because most kids don’t even have much memory of themselves at two, much less understand what a funeral is. But my grandma is my only memory from 0 to 2 years old. I could still remember vividly what happened on the first day of the wake. I was in the car and I asked my dad where we were going. He told me it was my grandma’s funeral. I guess I didn’t know what funeral meant then so I just said ok and went along. As I got older, somehow that conversation kept ringing in my head, and guilt engulfed me. What made it worse was I kept getting the same dream of my grandma playing with me in this particular playground yearly till I was 12 and a friend said it might be my grandma watching over me, making sure I was fine before she decides to reincarnate. Thank you friend but I did not feel better. I just cry buckets everytime I think of it.

You know sometimes you need to let it all out but refuse to cry because you think the issue is not worth your tears or you just have too much pride to cry even when no one’s watching? The best solution, for me at least, is to think about every other sad thing in this world that makes you cry and indulge in it. It makes you feel better because you have cried and (delusionally) it’s not over whatever issue you were upset about.

The other thing you can do is to read the Bible and speak to God. And that is exactly what I am going to do now.

Tomorrow will be a better day.