The Whys

If only everything started in real life.

Charles was right. It is different. You can’t see a lot of things over skype. I regretted being so sure and telling him he was wrong. I hate predictions like these coming true. I hate ‘I told you so’.

Things would have been so different. Nothing would have started. If I have to apply what I’ve learnt in psychology to manipulate minds so things work out, am I exploiting the use? And if I have to use psychology, isn’t it already trying to steer something somewhere with controlled thinking? Chemistry is not supposed to be like this. Counterattitudinal advocacy is supposed to be used for good e.g. to discourage discrimination of genders and races, not for relationships to work.

Thinking of good times is not applicable if good times are countable by your fingers and bad times seem infinite. Also, the damage per bad time is not quantifiable. Even if it is, the one bad time is sufficient to counter all good. You start doubting and asking yourself why you put yourself through everything.

Why let someone blow his fuse at you so often when you control yourself not to lose your temper at him? Why when you ask why he often gets impatient he said since you know asking makes me frustrated why still ask? Why doesn’t he think that a lot of things he do frustrates me but losing temper is something I’ll never do cos it only makes things worse? Why is it that when we are happy I can’t clarify my doubts and when he’s in a bad mood it’s a bad time to bring anything up? Why say communication is important when he only chooses to hear what he wants to hear? Why all answers to any doubt is I love you and don’t ask anymore before I get frustrated when the questions weren’t even about love?

Why did he have to put his fb status to in a relationship with privacy settings only visible to my friends and I? Why is the difference between week 0 and 1 (decision to put me up at grandparents’ place) not felt? Why is it that the only progress at week 1 was the need to ask every other stakeholders (who have a share in the grandparents’ place) involved? Why isn’t it already done cos he’s concerned over my well being? Why did he say it was not being pushed cos I was emoing too much and the relationship was not stable? Why did he make me felt like he was more worried if we broke up at some point when he pushed the decision rather than if I have a shelter over my head? Why is it that everytime I get really upset over the family situation he gets sick the next day and can’t meet? Why when things are over and I am no longer emo he doesn’t fall sick and say not meet me anymore? Why does he make me feel like he only wants to see me when I’m happy? Why when I explicitly stated long before vday that I want flowers it just didn’t happen even though he said he knew what to do? Why was his excuse flowers were unattainable on cny day one when he knew in advance that I wanted? Why did he say I thought your ex-es didn’t do much? Why did it feel like it doesn’t matter as long as he did more than the rest (when in actuality, I had better)? Why did he make me feel like he didn’t care enough all the time?

Why am I writing this when I have an uber important interview tomorrow but he is sound asleep cos he loves me even lesser now than the little love he had to even care?

Too many whys. The right thing to do now is to sleep because no one is going to give me a chance if I don’t do well tomorrow.

A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.